- Admin
- May 16, 2019
- 7 min read
How A Spike Lee Joint Helped Me Understand Who I Am
Have you ever seen a movie or tv show, or heard a song on the radio and felt that the words were written for you? That the actor/actress or singer went through the same feelings that you have felt? The movie Crooklyn made sure to let me know I was not alone in how I felt growing up. The Lees (Spike, Joie, and Cinqué) brought a timeless story to the bring screen that I will cherish forever.
The main character, Troy Carmichael is the only daughter of five children. I am the only daughter of three. I grew up in the suburbs and Troy grew up in the city. She grew up in the 70's and I was born the same year the show Moesha broadcasted on television. I could compare and contrast all day, but this movie helped me understand it is hard to be the only daughter trying to understand the opposite sex, your body, and basically life all together while your mother is ill.
During Presidents Day Weekend my parents gained another child, me. My parents were lucky to get me on their second try because they had their first boy 7 years prior. I was brand new to the family function and basked in all the attention for two years.
Then my little brother came along well...I was still the apple of everyone's eye, because I was the only girl, duh. Life was going good and moving along until my mother's appendix ruptured in the fall of '98 I believe. I think it was that year because by '99 she preparing for the new millenium. When I tell you she went all out, she went all out. I think with a health scare like that you just deal with it as trying to celebrate as much as possible. ANYWAY, the rupture of her appendix was a weird feeling I got used to as I grew up. I got used to my mom going to doctor's appointments constantly, coming home like everything was all good and then somehow ending up in the hospital because she was trying to be superwoman and take care of everyone and everything.
The timeline of unfortunate events in Crooklyn seems fast but it's because of three things: 1) editing, 2) every story has to come to a conclusion, and 3) that is how it feels. One day it's all peachy and then the next you come home from school and your mom's not there. Like I said before the feeling is something I am used to but as a child it's a little scary. You look at your parents as superheroes and they can face the world head on. So to know someone is laid up in a hospital bed is just a lot to deal with. Especially when you only have a couple years of life experience under your belt.
Troy was 9 years old going on 10 in the movie, and it was a lot of life coming her way. Dealing with girls in the neighborhood who were catty; but what can you do when you've grown up with them. Little dusty ass boys playing in your face when you're just trying to enjoy a chill summer. Your body growing at the rate of snail because mother nature has yet to come and strike you with Miss Flow. Chile it's a lot for a preteen. But luckily she had her mom to guide her through.
Me transitioning from 9 years old to 10 was about the same. A fucking lot. I was fat and being told if I don't stop eating my cycle would come earlier than planned. Welp, just know I stopped growing at age 11 and had a training bra to match at 11 and a half. My mom was there for it all as well. I really didn't cry as much as a Pisces is expected to, but my mom would talk me off the metaphorical ledge I would stand on when it came to my eating habits. Your girl would try to starve herself, this was not a game because I was definitely going through it. I tell people all the time that I have been fat all of my life, but they laugh it off. I have been about this big girl life. But in between those pivotal moments she would be down for the count. She was either on steroids and going through fits of rage, asleep because she couldn't handle the pain, or trying to make ends meet because she was laid off from work. From the late 90's to the early 2000's my mother found out she had rheumatoid arthritis, a compromised lung and high blood pressure. Yeah, she was going through a lot as well. I mean my father was there, but he had three young, growing kids and a mortgage to pay. The show had to go on.
Ever since I realized my mom was not the healthiest parent I realized sometimes people are used as a vessel of awareness. My mother was working and holding down a house, while taking care of three kids with multiple extra curricular activities without a lot of help. When she was initially down for the count I realized it was a wake up call. My brother had to step up and take care of me and my little brother. My dad had to work more because money was not coming in like it used to. Also, my extended family had to step up to the plate and help us out. Whether it was quality time or financially, this family of five needed help. It was parallel to the Carmichaels, Clinton had to step up and learn he was really not one of the little ones anymore.
Troy learned she had to take up for her little brother because he was the baby and needed more attention. Woody learned he needed to take care of home more than his musical career. That immediate switch in the movie legit feels like that in real life.
Troy had the pleasure to have family members step in and help while her mother was trying to get better. There was Aunt Maxine, stylish and fashion forward. Nothing like Carolyn Carmichael, but there for female influence. Then there was Aunt Song, well off and a little on the snobby side. Also nothing like Troy's mother, but you know there to help out. I grew up with great influences as well.
I had a grandmother who was my first plus size idol. She carried herself so well, weight was the last thing on your mind when you met her. For the longest time my mom was built like an athlete, solid and tall. I have aunts who had the nicest cars and the latest clothes. I also have a host of cousins, who inspired me to go to an HBCU.
It's obvious that those roles were there to show that Troy was not going to be alone while growing up, but everyone knows it doesn't feel the same. Those aunts can console you the way your mother would. These women would see me on the weekends and make me forget about my childhood worries for 48 hours.
But they were nothing like my mother. The love you get from your mother, the first person you connect with, does not compare to someone you learn to love. Distant relatives are cool to look up to but a bond with your mother is something that can't be duplicated.
In the movie it seemed as if Troy grew up within a blink of an eye. Maintaining roles only her mother was known to do within the household. The movie was set in a different time but it was the same regarding me stepping up and doing things a child really was not supposed to do. Even though Troy and I have older brothers there was always this role young girls fill in a bit better once the mother is out of the picture. The role of the matriarch, making sure everyone is okay and nurtured with care. I knew nothing about nurture but I slowly stopped fighting with my little brother and started fighting for him. Protecting him from anyone who didn't have the best interest for him; students, teachers, strangers I legit gave no fucks. I began to assist my brother in what needed to be done instead of arguing with him on what I wasn't going to do. I had my spoiled moments, but when the time came for me to get it together, I got it all the way together.
As a young African American girl you're going to deal with moments where you feel unheard and unseen. My parents did their best to instill images of strong black figures for me and my siblings. My mother did her best to emphasize the strong black women that came before me. She encouraged me to always express myself through the arts. She gave me the tools at a fast pace so I was not scrambling for them later down the line. Spike Lee was one of many and I thank him and his siblings for this story, because a VHS tape got me through some tough mental and emotional times.
Another thing that has gotten me through those sad times is the fact that my mother is still here and still kicking. She's a true Taurus when it comes to fighting against the odds. As I wrote this I cried, a lot because looking back on my pre-teen and teenage years was hard. I forced my mom to do a lot, and she refused to tell me no because she didn't want me to worry about her health. But what do you do when it's too late? Between her birthday and Mother's Day I didn't want to deal with the fact that I have let my mom down so much. In moments where I feel lost, I legit ask myself, What would Troy do?
